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parenting

Kids and Sharing: Tips and wise words from a 4 year old

by Kelly on June 7, 2010

Most days as a mom it’s tough to know if I’m doing it “right.“ I especially worry about my youngest getting the short end of the stick, but then he says something and I realize despite the differences in our life, the occasional yelling, and the scrambling to get everything done; he is still getting the same values. That makes it all seem ok.

He recently had some inspired words of wisdom on sharing. This was completely spontaneous, it was a conversation we had while he was getting ready for bed. I grabbed the Flip, and head back to his room and asked him to repeat it so we could watch it on video. (he loves that)

Aidan on sharing:

I think he’s pretty smart for 4 1/2, but maybe I’m biased. Of course even saying what he did, he said this one day and the next day he grabbed a toy from his sister’s hands, so you know he’s still learning the lessons he’s teaching.

Tips on Teaching Sharing

Sharing isn’t easy, and it doesn’t seem natural, but it’s a necessity for kids to learn how to get along with each other. Whether your child is an only, or you have a handful of kids, sharing is an opportunity for children to learn about helping others, putting other people first, and allows them to have a better experience socially.

With over 12 years of parenting under my belt, this is still a daily issue in our house, but I have some tips I have learned over the years.

: Image via Wikipedia

Provide the same things for the kids:

Whether it’s a snack, an equal number of strawberries, or an equal amount of spending money, everyone gets a fair share. This is especially important for kids under the age of 7. Making things equal takes the fight out of most situations by allowing everyone to be on a level playing field.

Experiences aren’t always equal:

We draw the line at experiences though, the kids (especially the little ones) get upset when someone does something without them, but we remind them that they either did or will have their own time to do similar things. So when the 6 year old wants to go on a playdate with her sister, we have to remind her that sometimes she gets her own private playdates.

Make time for one-on-one time with your kid(s):

As much as having a date night with your spouse is important, having one-on-one time with your kid(s) is nearly as valuable. It allows you to reconnect, and allows your child to take full ownership of the time instead of negotiating all the family relationships to get what they want.

Model good behavior:

Whether you are asking for something from your spouse, or correcting a situation with the kids, use the words you want to hear your kids say. If you yell, or say what not to do they never learn the right way to do things. It’s almost like a play with little kids, gently showing them how to respond in a situation allows them to see what to do.

Set Time Limits

If we are truly struggling with sharing I will set a timer and each child will have a 5 minute turn. To keep me sane I will also say if you ask for it or take it in that 5 minutes, you will lose your next turn.

Now, obviously this doesn’t work with a toddler or baby, in that case I reason with the bigger kid and explain that the little ones get bored quickly. Often it just takes a second to find something else shiny/chewy/cool to replace the coveted item, or waiting less than a minute or two (just enough time for a tickle session.)

Do your kids share? Do you have struggles with sharing in your house?

Kelly

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My 4 year old went to a PG-13 movie & other “bad” parenting confessions

by Kelly on May 10, 2010

in links

On Saturday we went as a family to see Iron Man 2 in the theatre. That’s right I took my 4 year old to see a PG-13 movie. It wasn’t his first, and it won’t be his last.

It’s completely age inappropriate, and if you had asked me when I just had one child if I would have allowed my kids to even see the film at all I would have said HECK no. (What? This is a PG blog!)

Does that make me a “bad” mom?

I still struggle with being a “bad” mom. On one hand I know that he’s the 4th kid which means he has both the place in the family that gives him an easygoing personality, and he’s the youngest which means he gets exposed to things the other kids didn’t at his age simply because he has a 12 year old brother. But on the other hand does that make it right?

We still shield the kids from things we feel aren’t age appropriate, and there are plenty of things we say no to, but I feel a little bit of guilt thinking about the differences between my boys.

They are 8 years apart, but have reached a point where they love to play together. They have fun, play with many of the same toys, and the older one is a huge help with things like frustrating Lego pieces that I had to put together for him when he was 4. (so thankful I don’t have to do that anymore!)

How my boys were different at age 4:

The oldest didn’t have chocolate or sugar until he was 2, the little one had it at 12 months.
The oldest had a very limited amount of television, if any, until he was about 8. My little guy gets the maximum recommended for his age group some days.
My oldest had one on one play with one parent or another for hours a day as a baby and toddler. My little guy was lucky to get 5 minutes with mom or dad without someone interrupting.
My oldest had playdates, a fun filled schedule, and regular nap and bedtimes (that we tried to adhere to), while my little one gets playdates with the babysitter, a haphazard schedule, and interrupted naps and late bedtimes.

We were a bit of parenting overachievers in the beginning, but thankfully time and more kids have tempered that for the most part. So while I look at these differences, or think about the PG-13 movie I cringe, but then I realize that it’s just a part of being in a family. Not everyone is in the same place, and sometimes that means someone has to stretch or reach down to a place that’s not exactly perfect, but is a good compromise.

I think the 23 year old version of me would be appalled at some of my choices with the kids, but she was admittedly a stick in the mud about a lot of things. She also didn’t know that being a good mother couldn’t be judged by how many minutes you played on the floor with your kids.

My current 33 year old self still doesn’t get it all the time. Thankfully I have a husband who does, and can remind me if I need it, and I needed that this weekend when I was considering us all going to the movie.

I’m so glad we all went. It was action packed and violent at parts, but it was fun. It entertained us all, plus we have a little superhero loving boy who was thrilled to get to see his favorite superhero on the big screen.

What rules have changed in your house as your kids have grown? Do you allow your kids to do things that others might think are inappropriate?

Kelly

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Mom Monday: Dealing with Mommy Guilt

by Kelly on May 3, 2010

in Mom Monday

It’s Monday. For most people that means they have a case of the blahs, for me that means I have Monday Mom guilt. Every Monday for the last few months I have been leaving the kids with a close friend who is a former nanny, and an amazing mom to work alone for about 5 hours.

I know they are being well cared for, but I still feel guilty. Especially when I think of what I did with my now 12 year old when he was my youngest age. Playgroups, field trips, a fully scheduled, fun-filled day. Forget that it’s impossible with our schedules, I still feel bad.

Monday is my only official time off all week (though hubby is good about letting me sneak off to work if I need to), and I try to take full advantage of it by working as hard as I can so I can get everything done for the week. Unfortunately not even my superpowers allow me to do a full week’s worth of work in 5 hours, so I end getting “caught up” for a few days, and then feeling like I’m behind all week long and sneaking in time here and there, and after the kids are in bed to get work done.

This won’t change anytime soon, and I have to learn to live like this without the guilt. I know that what I’m doing now is taking some time and energy away from my family, but it’s also allowing me to help us move ahead financially, and has brought some amazing opportunities my way.

I don’t know if there will ever be a time in my life where I don’t have mom guilt, and most likely it will stay with me my whole life.

I wish I could give my kids the world, without spoiling them, and give them 100% of my attention all the time. Think I’m being unrealistic? I am. If you’ve read this blog for awhile it’s likely you know that by now. (see failed homecooking challenge, and oh yeah that whole debt thing)

I don’t know parents who don’t have some guilt or question about whether they are doing it right. I think they are like unicorns, they don’t exist. (Leave me a comment if you are a Unicorn Parent™.)

I do have some things that usually work for me though, some tips and tricks I’ve learned along the way over the last few months.

10 ways to set boundaries between work and mom (or dad) time:

Shut down the computer on the weekend for most of one day.
Turn off phones and computers from dinnertime-bedtime.
Really BE with each of your kids for a bit each day-15 minutes at least.
Have dates with your kids.
Make time for your spouse once a week (date night with your spouse is just as important).
Set timers for yourself or the kids to help set lines between work and mom time.
Close the door when you are working or come up with another signal that you’re “on”.
If you have little ones, work while they nap.
Say no, whenever possible.
Get outside every day-even if it’s just to get the mail.

The most important tip of all? Make time for just YOU to unplug, to just be. Whether that’s reading a book, yoga, running, or getting a mani/pedi. Do something that makes you breathe deeply and feel at peace. This is a lesson I learned this weekend when I felt like the world was crashing in, even though it wasn’t.

I feel like it will always be a struggle, but as long as I focus on what is vital and important every day, and tell my kids I love them and spend some time with them I think they are better off than my mom guilt would have me believe.

How do you deal with mom (or dad) guilt?

Kelly

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Mom Monday: Breastfeeding is Best for Baby and your Budget

by Kelly on April 5, 2010

in kids

I was debating what to write about for Mom Monday. Since I’m not at home, I’m not being “mom” right now. Of course I’m always a mother, it’s a huge part of my identity, but being while being by myself is something wonderful, and amazing, it’s also something I have not experienced for this length of time since becoming a mom. That’s 12 years, 13 if you count pregnancy without a full day to myself ever. Nearly 6 of those years I was nursing.

When I became a mom for the first time I was a very young 21, and I threw myself fully into being the best mom I could. As we had more children I realized how much being a mother means you have to give of yourself. You don’t just share your body with your child for 9 months. You share your self and a part of your heart with them for the rest of your life.

Those early months of being a mother can be tough. Thankfully I had my son at a Birth Center where they ran a new mother’s group which I started attending when he was just 5 days old. I learned so much, and felt so embraced and loved in that group of women. One of the things that had the biggest impact on me was seeing other moms nurse. I knew I would breastfeed. There was no question about that for me, but seeing them I learned new ways to hold the baby, new ways to get the baby to latch one, and so much more. Why was there no doubt?

My mom nursed my sister and I back when it wasn’t cool.
I was (and am) a bit of a granola hippie, so natural is best, and some of the ingredients in formula is plain scary.
We had little money, so bottlefeeding at the tune of $1,000+ a year wasn’t going to happen.

How does this relate to personal finance?

Breastfeeding relates to centsible personal finance because living within our means, and really well below them, is the key to giving families time to adjust to having a new baby and establish a breastfeeding relationship.

One of the reasons I was able to nurse for so long with each of my children was that we took the time to establish a good nursing relationship in the early weeks. With my oldest we had no major obligations (no mortgage, no car payments, etc.) so we were able to live off of one small income. With my other children I was a stay at home mom which involves many sacrifices for our family. It’s not always easy, but it’s always been worth it.

It also relates to personal finance because bottlefeeding is just more expensive, but the cost doesn’t end with the cost of bottles and formula.

The True Cost of Formula Feeding

I mentioned the $1,000+ number above as the cost to the family, but CNN ran an article titled “Lack of breastfeeding costs lives, billions of dollars” that shares real cost of formula feeding. The study found that if 80-90% of US women nursed until 4-6 months 911 lives and $13 billion dollars would be saved. EVERY YEAR. That’s right over 900 children AND $13,000,000 could be saved each year by the simple act of breastfeeding your infant. Currently 14% of moms nurse until 6 months of age according to the latest statistics.

Keep in mind this is just a US study, once you start talking about third world countries with little access to clean drinking water, and impoverished people who can not afford formula statistics are dreadfully worse that a child who is not breastfed will survive.

Barriers to Breastfeeding

I know there are reasons women can’t breastfeed. My oldest daughter has a genetic disorder which made processing milk sugar (whether breast or cow) impossible. She had to be fed soy formula, which broke my heart, but taught me understanding that not everyone has it easy.

Some women work extremely hard to establish a breastfeeding relationship, or lose their supply due to their work schedule, and their inability to pump milk at work (whether it is through access to a safe, clean place to pump or the inability to produce for the pump).

Many women are obligated to work to support their families, and family leave in the US is an absolute joke. 6 weeks for many women, but only IF they meet certain requirements. Otherwise women must use vacation days, or go without pay.

Breastfeeding: What you can do to help

If you are a mom or will be one in the future consider breastfeeding. Get the support you need early. Read books, talk to other moms who nurse, find your local La Leche League meeting.

If you are a woman without kids, with grown children, or a man, please do what you can to support and encourage the women in your life to breastfeed. Share the study with them. Buy them books on nursing. Get the phone number of a lactation consultant. Bring them a glass of water when they are nursing. Don’t ask them to cover up, or go somewhere else to nurse when they are in public.

How do you feel about nursing? If you have kids did were you able to breastfeed?

Kelly

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Mom Monday: Let them Play

by Kelly on March 8, 2010

in Mom Monday

While my blog primarily focuses on money issues, I am a mom of 4, so I thought it would be fun to talk momming one day a week. Mom Monday is my new feature where I will be tackling mommy issues. My hope is that even my non-parent readers will stop by and comment, since you were kids once too!

As I type this my 2 boys are across the hall building some crazy creation out of Legos. People often ask me how I get so much done (which makes my husband break into a fit of giggles), and the truth is I get done what’s important at any given moment, and the rest slides.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been alone at home. My oldest son is homeschooled, so 5 out of 7 days of the week he is home, and my youngest isn’t starting preschool until next year.

3 days a week I have the 2 boys, and my youngest daughter comes home from school at 11:30. The other 2 days I have the little dude for 3 hours alone, then we pick up his sister, and then 2 hours later we pick up big brother. If you didn’t follow all that, don’t worry. I don’t follow it either, and it’s my life!

The only way I can get things done is by squeezing work in around the edges of family life. Between laundry loads, dishes, and keeping the kids from killing each other helping them play nicely, I find 5 minutes to blog, or 10 minutes to email. I also work on the weekends, and hired a friend to babysit once a week for 5 hours so I can have uninterrupted time.

I don’t hover over the kids. I don’t spend my time policing them. I let them play. Even though my agenda right now says it’s time to clean up the boys’ room with them, and reorganize it they are playing nicely, so I let them play. Kids need time to just be kids, and I totally benefit from them playing together.

It wasn’t always this way. When they were little it was all about naptime. It was crucial they have naps so I could have some peace and quiet and time to get things done. If you have little ones at home know it does get better, but the flip side is no naps!

How do you find time to get things done? What gets shoved off your to do list in favor of letting the kids play?

Kelly

*note: before this post was done my 4 year old came into the office to show off his new creation

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Family Meetings: The Benefits

February 24, 2010

This is a guest post by Emily Geizer, creator of Child Perspective, the site parents turn to for simple and effective parenting solutions. You can contact Emily directly through the site to ask any specific parenting questions. She is also offering a FREE parenting e-course, called A Crash Course in Mindful Parenting. Read more about the [...]

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12 tips for feeding picky eaters

October 28, 2009

When I was a kid I was well known as being one of the most picky eaters on Earth. I adored candy, and still have quite a sweet tooth (see my tip for Halloween at the bottom of this post). As a kid I would eat an entire block of Kraft cheddar cheese after school. [...]

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stay at home mom or working mom?

July 15, 2009

The din and demands of constant needs are dying down. I’m left with this feeling of what’s next? (Other than the mountain of laundry, floors that needs washing, a car that needs cleaning, and a lawn that needs mowing.)