Recently I asked on my Facebook page if I should be more ‘personal’ on occasion on the blog. I know not everyone comes here for me or my rantings and musings, so I try to keep it more focused on the theme of the blog.
But…there is a part of me that longs to share what I feel and think about as a person, and so I’m entering a new phase of the blog where I share personal posts. If it’s not for you, just click on, and no hard feelings if it means you don’t come back by. If it means you love it, thank you for listening. You’re like the best friend I never had.
I’m in a few groups on Facebook and in one a blogging friend, Mary, asked about our experiences with cyberbullying. I shared a lot in my response, so I decided to share this with you via the blog because I think I’ve come to a place where I can respond (mostly) well.
I should note that I haven’t experienced bullying on the level that some other bloggers have (hate sites dedicated to popular bloggers boggle my mind).
That said, I have experienced high school drama, disagreement, annoyance, disappointment. But, all those things are my feelings wrapped up in someone else’s behavior, not true cyberbullying which attacks my character and family, or analyzes every bit of data I have shared online.
The few comments I have had about how ‘stupid’, or whatever I am, are simply deleted. That’s not discourse, that’s just hate.
The comments that are thoughtful, though etched with pain, I respond to, after I give it some time to think. You can find an example here (scroll down to the comments). I know it’s not about me, and I’m ok with that.
Below is my response to the initial question, “How do you deal with cyberbullying?” with some slight editing.
There is so little room for discourse everywhere (not just online). Hello, Chick-Fil-A. I think it’s important to step back and breathe before we respond.
It’s important to know the difference between bullying and someone disagreeing with you or your opinion. I know many times I have a response that is from a place I am in, whether in my heart or head. The words/actions may not be intended as hateful or harmful. In that case it is up to me to determine what to do, and I sometimes seek counsel form wiser people than myself.
That said, the internet can allow people to behave in a way they wouldn’t in real life. They say things about you, your character, your children, your life-without really knowing you.
Usually that comes from a place of hurt, of pain they are feeling. Sometimes it comes from a place of spite. I’ve found that in most cases it’s an issue of that person’s pain. That’s just the way they let it out.
If it’s only someone’s opinion, then I can try my damnedest to change their minds, but in the end the people that matter most to me are my husband, and my friends and family. Even with friends and family sometimes I need to know it is their opinion, honestly. Though my husband, bless him, is usually right (Shhh….don’t tell him I said that!)
On the rare occasions when I’ve encountered situations where a peer or friend was dishonest, passive-aggressive, or bullying online- I treat it the same way I do in ‘real’ life. I examine their actions, my own, my responses, my feelings, and try to make sense of it. Basically I analyze it to near-death. As someone who has issues sometimes with understanding social cues it’s important for me to think it through. Was I rude? Did I say I would do something, and not follow through? Yes, sometimes I am. Yes, sometimes I do.
In the rare cases I can’t make sense of something-when it’s just not going to ever make any sense, I will just forgive and move on. I don’t forget necessarily. I just forgive. At least I try to. In most cases I still will be polite to a point. Call it learned social cues, or having a mother from the South. Just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I’m over it. It means I’m trying to see the good in everyone. Trying so hard, because I hope you’ll do the same for me when I mess up since it happens all.the.time.
Kelly
I loved this post. Thank you for writing it. Someone online once told me “The only people that matter are the ones in your living room.” That is easy enough to believe until it gets violent and real threats happen. The hateful comments that happen once in awhile? yeah those are easy enough to delete. But the ones that are from a stalker? Those are scary.
For years I had a troll who was so passive aggressively annoying. I just ignored her. I knew she was a miserable person trying to make herself feel better by pointing out my flaws, or my flaws as she perceived them, anyway.
I think you hit the nail on the head right here:
“Just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I’m over it. It means I’m trying to see the good in everyone. Trying so hard, because I hope you’ll do the same for me when I mess up since it happens all.the.time.”
I always try to take that approach with people, b/c as you say, I hope they will do the same for me. I think you are very wise.
I think it shows that you carefully consider others’ feelings. Even those that intend to hurt. In the end, you have to be at peace with yourself. From one analyzer to another
Cyber-bulling is a terrible thing to deal with. I’ve gone through it and it’s not fun. You hit the nail on the head when you said ‘Usually that comes from a place of hurt, of pain they are feeling. Sometimes it comes from a place of spite. I’ve found that in most cases it’s an issue of that person’s pain.’ It’s true people bully to make themselves feel better. Thank you for the advice on how to best deal with it. I hope to never deal with it again, but I also try to keep things in perspective and forgive.
Great post!