First comes love, then comes Money

We all remember that old childhood rhyme. {please excuse my ‘art’}

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Then we’re supposed to live happily ever after, right?  Maybe if Prince Charming has an endless supply of money, and no problem sharing, but in real life love and money mixing can cause lots of issues.  Once you start sharing your life with someone it means making joint decisions, compromise, and figuring out what works for you. It can be daunting.

For many couples there are times when money and love mix:

• Once they enter a more serious relationship: If you want him to put a ring on it you’re going to have to cut back on expensive date nights.
• Moving in together: While not ever couple lives together prior to marriage, those who do find it to be a time when they need to start making more financial decisions together. Tip: Prior to moving in together you should figure out what works for you in terms of paying the bills, and learn more about your significant other’s income and debt.
• When you get Engaged: If you are paying for part or all of the wedding yourselves this is the time to talk budgets, and have a heart to heart about income, debt, and your financial goals. After all you are hoping for a happily ever after ending, so you need to plan ahead.
• Marriage: You should have some practice talking money at this point, but if you don’t you definitely need to make time to talk to your significant other about your finances on a monthly basis.
• When Jobs/Income change: When one of you loses a job, starts earning more, or any other major change to your earnings it’s time to revisit your financial goals and figure out where the extra money goes, or the lost money comes from.
• Before having a child (or additional kids): Kids cost money. Lots of money. Figuring out where the money for baby needs and childcare (or not) is coming from is imperative. If one partner decides they want to stay home you’ll need to start living off one income as soon as possible to accustom yourself to living on less and create a cushion.

Of course that’s just the tip of the iceberg. You’ll have to figure out if you want to have joint or separate accounts. You’ll have to decide on big purchases together (everything from houses and cars to furniture and preschool), and come up with a way to fund your long-term goals.

The picture you have of how life will look in 5, 10 or 20 years will change as you grow older, wiser, and life happens. Suddenly that BMW isn’t a priority when you think about having to put your kids through college.

With 16 years under our belts my husband and I have learned a lot. (and wow that makes me feel old!) Here are a few things we learned along the way that may help you.

1) Know your spending style and risk tolerance. Know if you and your spouse are spenders, savers, or somewhere in between. Figure out what level of risk you like to take with your money-are you into high risk stocks or do you prefer money markets, Roth IRAs, and 401ks.

2) Make a monthly date. The best thing you can do for your long-term marital and financial health is to sit down every month and talk money. Keep it short and simple (and hour at most), and have an agenda in advance. End your money meeting with a date night out, or some wine and dessert as your reward.

3) Keep some money separate. This one is especially for women because all too often I talk to readers and hear stories from friends of women who have left the workforce or cut back on their career to be home when the marriage dissolves. Having your own nest egg is good insurance. Be honest with your spouse about it, and encourage them to do the same.

4) Compromise is just another word for marriage. I may be oversimplifying a lot here, but it’s true that compromise is key to a happy marriage. When it comes to money it’s impossible to imagine a couple who is perfectly in sync. That’s where compromise comes in. We’re not talking about you buying designer shoes because he bought new golf clubs. We’re talking about those times when you really disagree with the idea of spending money, and how you work out a solution.

5) Be a team. When it comes to managing money and relationships it’s key that you and your partner are a team. No matter what unexpected expenses or life’s challenges that pop up you’re still a team. You have to work together to figure out a way to make it work.

For more on money and marriage check out my posts at Adaptu including adult allowances, saving money with your spouse and more.

Do you have any advice for managing money and love?

Kelly

Linking up to Women’s Money Week’s Relationships and Money Roundup.

About Kelly

Kelly Whalen is the founder and editor of the Centsible Life. She started the blog in 2008 as her family faced a mountain of debt and the fixer upper they purchased became a FIXER UPPER. The website was born out of her desire to share what was working (and what was not) on her family's journey to financial security. Kelly lives in Minneapolis with her family.

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